A year of battles from all angles

 Fast forwarding years into my life... 

This year was met with all sorts of complications starting with my emotional rollercoaster of left over hormones from previous life decisions, a high risk pregnancy that was first met with resentment and then followed with a possible genetic disorder transferred from yours truly, an inexplicable bleeding scare, a hospitalization, gestational diabetes, high birth weight, scheduled cesarean and a 9.7lbs jaundice baby.. enter Oliver. Not to mention the pandemic and recession and civil riots that put everyone of those racists in the spot light.  A year of battles from all angles. 

As 2020 comes to an end I find myself with an 8 year old struggling to find a balance with adhd , doing better over all in school thanks to an iep and still being forced to partially medicate against my better judgment.. and me helpless with a newborn struggling to find balance too as a ( hopefully again soon to be ) working mom (more on that later).

Between maintaining a relatively clean ish home, cooking, paying bills with vapor, nursing an infant, helping my drama queen with remote learning,  job hunting, dr appointments, and recovering from a cesarean , my exhaust has started to feel like a permanent part of my daily routine. Im here mentally breaking down over minuscule insecurities and physically battling a cold that during a pandemic puts everyone around at an unease. Best part is my face is first to show it, im not one for accepting emotional defeat let alone pity from others so I fight back the irrational sadness in frustration ( and refuse to address it as a depression ) and ridiculous hormonal changes the best i can and try to brush it off though im constantly a short fuse from imploding in rage these days and lashing out at the ones that i love more than life itself. Sorry guys. I can only hope that they will continue to bare with me this monster that i project towards them and that they have faith il return to normal again one day.

As for the unemployment part- After a month of maternity leave I was met face to face with two choices: an unlivable income (due to temporary cut hours that depended on some other future hire) or the all too familiar alternative of job hunting again and tossing my unheard wishes into the unemployment well. Thanks cherry on top its been quite an experience.

 luckily im no stranger to hustling and am willing to do anything for my kids even if it means taking on multiple part time night and weekend jobs to make ends meet so my guy can work a steady day shift while i take a back track in my career not to mention pay cuts across the board. Not going to pretend that going from three jobs to sinking rock bottom is not tough to manage specially when those around you long for a smile and a laugh to lighten the mood this year has set, but everything is temporary and il take what i can at times like this. 

While i sit and stress out about the loans left on the back burner and medical bills in collections I have to wonder how much longer is this year going to last. A girl can only take so much before she breaks and these rocks at the bottom are sharper than usual. If i ever needed a vacation this is the reason. 

Its no exaggeration that in order to be a mom you have to be a super hero too. 

Keep on keeping Onward....